Sometimes Words Mean Everything
by Sandy S
Summary: Human Buffy and Spike become penpals in high school and write letters back and forth for years as their love grows. This is their story. Please review and enjoy! Part 4! ;o)
1. Default Chapter

Title: Sometimes Words Mean Everything (1/?)  
  
Author: Sandy S.  
  
E-mail: ssoennin@juno.com  
  
URL: http://darkprophecies.net/eternaldevotion (my host is down currently, but hopefully back up soon)  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All belongs to Joss and UPN.  
  
Spoilers: Not too sure. This is AU.  
  
Summary: Human Buffy and Spike have been penpals since high school! This series follows the development of their relationship through the letters they write to each other over the years.  
  
  
  
Sometimes Words Mean Everything  
  
"Ama me fideliter! Fidem meam noto: De corde totaliter Et ex mente tota, Sum presentialiter Absens in remota."  
  
. . . meaning. . .  
  
"Love me faithfully!/See how I am faithful:/With all my heart/And all my soul/I am with you/Though I am far away." --Author unknown  
  
"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." --James Baldwin  
  
  
  
September 21, 1998  
  
Dear William,  
  
Hi! I received your name in my English class. We are assigned to write letters to someone in a foreign country. At first, I must admit that I thought the idea silly. But, after talking with my mom about it, she suggested that I might make a new friend. So, I'm writing now with an open mind, hopefully. Plus, I think it'll be fun to write a guy.  
  
My name's Buffy Summers. Hmmm. I don't know what to tell you about myself, so I guess the basics are always good. I'm about five foot three although I don't know where my height comes from because both my parents are taller than average. I'm *not* telling you my weight. *wink* I have blond hair, which I may or may not color, depending on whom you talk with at school, and I have green eyes. My parents are divorced, and I live with my mom and little sister, Dawn, in Sunnydale, California. I hope that's not too much information for a first letter. But I guess, for some reason, I feel safer talking about private stuff in a letter when I don't have to worry as much about your reaction.  
  
Dawn's pretty okay as far as sisters go, but she can be a pest sometimes. Like last week, she stole my diary and read halfway through it before I caught her with it. Ugh! I suppose you can understand if you have a sibling. Aside from that, I'm pretty close to my sister; I mean, she and I got really close during our parents' divorce. She's really pretty with long, dark hair and wide blue eyes that make you want to protect her. She's gonna have lots of guys to fend off one day soon.  
  
Mom runs an art gallery downtown, and she specializes in really old artifacts and art pieces from ancient cultures. When I was a kid and we lived in L.A. with my dad, I used to spend hours in the gallery, helping her catalogue pieces and work on displays. You meet the strangest people in the art world, especially in L.A.  
  
Sunnydale's okay. There's not as much to do here, and because we don't have as much money as we used to, we don't travel as much. And, I didn't get to keep my car. I had a cherry-red Dodge Neon, but my dad took it in the divorce. Plus, he took my dog, too. But, that's a whole other story. Sunnydale's small enough that I can walk pretty much everywhere although Mom usually drops me off at school, so I don't have to ride the bus, thank goodness!  
  
Oh, and I have two best friends, Willow and Xander. Willow is my best girl friend. She's got red hair and a great personality. We spend the night with each other a lot and go on double dates. Xander's a sweetie. He's tall with brown hair and eyes. He hangs out with Willow and me quite a bit and bemoans his bad luck with girls.  
  
I'm a senior at Sunnydale High. . . that means twelfth grade, and I'm excited to graduate this year (finally)! I'm not really involved in extracurricular activities except I do belong to the journalism club. I kind of enjoy searching out a good story and reporting it in the school newspaper. I won an award for that last year. I'm not sure what I want to do in college, yet.  
  
Well, that's all I can think of for now! I hope to hear from you soon!  
  
Take care, Buffy  
  
P.S. I can't wait to hear lots about you! *smilies* Oh, and I enclosed a picture of me! It's my senior picture which I got done at the portrait studio in town.  
  
* * *  
  
30 September 1998  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
Thanks for the letter and the picture! It was a nice surprise to receive such a sweet letter in the mail. I had forgotten that my father signed me up with the penpal company through the school.  
  
I guess I can do the same as you. I'm 18 and about five foot ten with blondish-brown hair that's sort of wavy, which I hate because it gets all wonky when it's humid out (and it is a lot here). My eyes are blue. Like you, my dad's taller than me. I don't remember my mum; she died when I was about two from leukemia. (Talk about revealing too much in letters.) But I know she was shorter than me. I'm sorry about your parents; that must have been rough.  
  
I don't go to public school, and I live in a small town just outside London. My dad's a tutor for several of the neighborhood kids, including me. It's okay, but I rather miss being around kids my own age. I used to go to a boarding school, but it was shut down for being unsanitary (which is not as bad as it sounds). I guess that I'm sort of in the equivalent of twelfth grade as well. Next year, I'm supposed to go to college. My father wants me to study history in London, but I want to go to the States for university.  
  
Funny you mentioned writing because I'd like to be a writer as well except I think I'd like to be an English professor. . . although similar to you, I like to research the mystery, especially the mystery of a writer's past, and I like to write. . . creative bits, nothing too exciting really.  
  
We pretty much walk everywhere here as well. Saves time, and there's less pollution. Plus, you get to enjoy being outside and seeing all that nature has to offer. My dad's a history lecturer, and he's published quite a bit on Europe in the 1800's. I don't know if you've heard of him. . . Rupert Giles. Anyway, he's taken a lot of trips around Europe to lecture on his work, and I've gone with him. You'd love to see all the beautiful scenery and the food. . . ethnic food is wonderful! You can practically view the history in living color if you use your imagination. I guess in a way, I do enjoy history but not in the way my father wants me to.  
  
I don't have siblings, sadly. But Dawn sounds like a wonderful sister. I wish I had a sister. It must have been frustrating when she read your diary like that. What did you do when you caught her?  
  
Like you, I have two close friends. One is Dru, and the other is Angelus. They're both older than me. Dru's real pretty with long dark hair and dark eyes, and Angelus is tall with dark hair and eyes as well. They're dating actually. We go out a lot at night, especially when my dad's out of town. We tend to hang out at the local pubs and dance or occasionally smoke or have a beer. (I hope you don't think I'm a delinquent now and never write again.)  
  
Congrats on the writing award and have a great senior year! Don't worry about not knowing what you want to do with your life; you still have a long time to decide.  
  
Well, I'm off to work. Thanks again for the letter.  
  
Sincerely, Spike (William)  
  
  
  
TBC. . . I know this is sort of stiff, but it's an introduction to one another. I hope you enjoy, and they'll get more intimate over time! ;o) Sandy 


	2. Part 2

November 3, 1998  
  
Dear William,  
  
Hi! Sorry that I haven't written in so long, but I've been through a lot lately. I probably shouldn't bore you with all the details, so I'll write about something else.  
  
Hmm. Have you ever been to the States? There're such a variety of things to do and see here. My favorite thing to do is go to the beach, especially during the summer when I have no school to worry about. Sunbathing is a must when you live in California. The only thing that sucks about it is getting sunburned. No tanning beds needed here.  
  
I also enjoy shopping; my mom, Dawn, and I went on an all day shopping trip last weekend. I bought a couple of great new tops and a pair of shoes. Don't worry; I have a job. I work at the pet store downtown. Helps me buy things; I sometimes feel guilty asking my mom to buy me things, especially since my dad never pays child support like he's supposed to. Where do you work?  
  
Okay, I'm looking back over the last two paragraphs, and I'm realizing this has to be the most boring letter ever, so I may as well just tell you what's going on. At least then, you'll have something juicy to read.  
  
My boyfriend, Timothy, broke up with me a couple of weeks ago. Why are guys such jerks? Don't answer that one. He said he didn't think he loved me anymore. I mean, he said he used to love me, but that he doesn't love me now. He said he wants to *know* for sure, wants to feel weak in the knees at the sight of the girl he's with. That's confusing enough, but he doesn't want me to tell anyone we're broken up. We're in the journalism club together and have lots of classes together. And he still calls to talk everyday and tells me he loves me. Maybe he doesn't love me anymore cause I haven't slept with him. Is sex that important to guys? What would you do? Don't answer if you don't feel comfortable answering.  
  
I guess you don't celebrate Thanksgiving in England. Wouldn't make much sense. But, here we do. It's supposed to be the anniversary of when the Pilgrims feasted with the Indians (oops, Native Americans. . . Willow'd be upset with me if I didn't correct that). This year, Dawn and I get to stay with Mom, which I always enjoy because she cooks a giant feast with turkey, dressing, and the works. Then, we sit around feeling stuffed and playing board games. It really means a lot to me.  
  
I'm a little confused about why you're being home-schooled. And don't you get done with school at 16? At least, that's what someone told me. Sorry if I'm being too nosy.  
  
I've actually never heard of your dad. But I might ask my history teacher about him. Maybe he's heard of him. I'm all curious now. He must be really smart.  
  
And oh, about Dawn and the diary heist. . . I just yelled at her and told her never to touch my things again without permission. Of course, that'll probably last about a week or two. Then, she'll be sneaking into my room to get into my stuff again. It's a thing we do. Sisters are goofy sometimes.  
  
And no, I don't think of you as a delinquent. I wish I had the guts to do stuff like that. My mom would kill me if I went out drinking or if she caught me with cigarettes. Your friends sound like fun.  
  
Well, take care, Buffy  
  
P.S. Could you send a picture? My friends are curious about what you look like!  
  
* * *  
  
14 November 1998  
  
Hi, pet,  
  
Things have been crazy here as well, so no worries about not writing sooner. My dad and I just got back from Germany this past weekend. He was on one of his lecture tours, and he wanted me to come, which I didn't mind. Who would pass up German beer?  
  
My dad's bloody brilliant (excuse my language)! He's the smartest man I know. I can ask him pretty much anything, and he knows the answer or where to look it up. I'll be interested in knowing if your teacher knows who he is.  
  
By the way, Dad knows I'm writing you, so he's sending along a copy of his latest published article. Don't feel obligated to read it and don't feel dumb if you don't understand what he's writing. Half the time, I'm clueless about what he's written. His lectures are the opposite of the way he writes though. Maybe I'll audiotape one of his next engagements for you to hear.  
  
I've never been to the States although I'd love to visit one day. Maybe I could talk Dad into doing a lecture in California, and we could meet at some point. Maybe you could take me on one of your shopping expeditions.  
  
As far as school goes, that's rather complicated. Our school system's a bit different than yours. If I was going to regular school, I might or might not finish Secondary School (that's like high school for you) at 16. In some places, you can go to Secondary School until age 18. If you only stay until age 16, you have to take these big exams after which you either get a job or go to what's called Sixthform college until age 18. In college, you work on what's called A-levels. A-levels are what universities look at for their acceptance requirements. Right now, I'm just doing the extra two years of school, and Dad's teaching me. Then, I'll go to university. Hope that answers your questions.  
  
An interesting tidbit, Dru and Angelus broke up a few weeks ago. Angelus sort of cheated on her. Seems the bint has taken interest in me now, which has broken up our little circle. Trust me, I don't mind at all. She's really pretty and smart and was just heartbroken over Angelus. But, I think, she's doing much better after a few dates with me. I even took her to Germany with me. She loved all the sights. I'm not sure if I'm in love yet, but it might be heading that direction. We'll see.  
  
As far as Timothy goes, the bloke's an idiot. Don't listen to him. Talk to people about what's going on. It's not healthy for you to keep it all inside and pretend like it's not happening. If you do that, it's guaranteed to eventually come out in some other way. He sounds like a right selfish ass and seems to be looking out only for himself and his feelings. If I were there, I'd punch him in the face and give him a right talking to. Take care of yourself the way he seems to be doing with regard to himself, and do what you need to do to make you feel better. I'll ask you one thing: does talking with him everyday and hearing him say things he doesn't really mean helping you in the long run?  
  
And trust me, pet, if he were the right guy for you, he'd wait for the sex bit if you weren't ready. I mean sex is nice. . .actually, it can be more than nice, but it's not the be-all, end-all of a relationship. I mean, Dru and I have been sleeping together, but that's not the reason I find her so entrancing. She's just brilliant. Did I tell you she's older than me? She and Angelus are both 25. Dru teaches me things that I never even dreamed were possible.  
  
Anyway, I've enclosed a picture. It's the latest I have. No laughing now.  
  
Regards, Spike  
  
P.S. Please call me Spike. William just sounds so formal.  
  
TBC. . . Okay, don't worry, this is just the beginning, so of course, they'll be dating others. Be patient. S/B will come!  
  
Special note: Big thanks to the reviewer who gave me the tip about schooling in England. And special thanks to Jaina who graciously answered all my questions about the school system in England! Her help is much appreciated!  
  
Thanks for all the lovely reviews. I have some lovely surprises planned, so keep reading! ;o) 


	3. Part 3

Author's note: Just to let you know, not every letter between Spike and Buffy will be in this story. . . just the ones most pertinent to the storyline! ;o)  
  
10 July 1999  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
I realize this is last minute, but I have some bad news, pet. I'm not going to be coming to the States for university. I hope you're not angry, but there's an explanation, I promise.  
  
Something's happened to Dru. Dad and I have been noticing that she's been acting odd around us. Then, last week, I called her multiple times with no response. When her boss called me wondering why she didn't show up for her clients at the hairdresser's, I headed over to her flat to check on her. Her front door was unlocked, so I went in, and there she was lying in the middle of the living room floor, staring at the ceiling. She told me that the stars were sending her messages. That really scared me. I tried to talk with her, but the only way I could get her to do anything was to play along with her delusions. She got a bit more lucid at the doctor's office. He said she was having a psychotic break. She said it runs in her family; her dad had schizophrenia.  
  
Anyway, to make a long story short, I can't come to the States like I planned because Dru needs taking care of. I mean, the doc put her on medication, but he said she needs a stress free environment to adjust. So, I agreed to stay on here a while and work for Dad, so I can take care of her.  
  
Anyway, I hope you're not angry at me. I know you were planning on seeing me soon. At some point, I'll make it there for a visit. Maybe this fall!  
  
Take care, love. Spike  
  
* * *  
  
July 17, 1999  
  
Dearest Spike,  
  
Oh my gosh, don't worry about a thing. I totally understand. That's pretty scary! Like you said, just take care of yourself and make sure your needs are taken care of as well. I know you love her, but you taught me that to be able to take care of someone else, you have to take care of yourself first. I've never known anyone with schizophrenia, so I can't fathom how stressful it's been! Wish I could be there for you. *sends hugs*  
  
I'll miss you coming to university here. I was looking forward to showing you around good ole Sunnydale and taking you to L.A. I am definitely taking your rain check for a visit in the fall though. I'm marking you in my calendar! *wink*  
  
Can you believe that we've been writing each other for almost a year now? It feels like I've known you forever! You always manage to impress me with your wisdom, and you don't give me a load of crap when I need to hear the truth. Thanks.  
  
I've already registered for classes, and I'm still taking the journalism class we planned on taking together. From what I've heard, the professor's a trip! I'll probably have some juicy stories to tell.  
  
My roommate assignment arrived today. I'm rooming with someone named Micki. I've never lived with anyone but my sister who's hard enough to share a bathroom with. I can't imagine what a stranger will be like. I wish I was rooming with Willow, but freshman get automatically assigned to whomever. Ugh. I suppose if it's too bad, I'll switch.  
  
By the way, I broke up with Timothy for the last time. I know you're probably doing back flips halfway across the world. You're probably also wondering if I'll stick to my guns this time, but, I know it's the last time for *sure*. He's moving off to go to Duke, and I'm stuck here in Sunnydale. Plus, he told me the whole "I'm not sure if I can give enough to love you" speech again. 'Bout time he hit the road, huh? And don't worry about me, I'm fine with it. I'm not even sad, just sorta relieved.  
  
Well, take care of you, and let me know if I can do anything! Tell your dad hello for me!  
  
Love ya, Buffy  
  
* * *  
  
15 November 1999  
  
Oh, pet.  
  
Dru cheated on me. It's completely over, and I'm not sure what to do. Sorry to dump this on you while you're at the end of the semester there, but there's no one here to talk with about it. Seems I made Dru my whole world, so I have nothing left. I can't talk with Dad about it because he never liked Dru. And I can't make sense of it because I've been nothing but good to her. I can't focus; I can't sleep; I can't eat. Got any words of wisdom?  
  
Love's bitch, Spike  
  
* * *  
  
November 22, 1999  
  
Dear Spike,  
  
Oh, sweetie, don't worry. You can always talk with me about anything. I'm so sorry about Dru. I wish I could make things better. Can you tell me what happened in more detail? Or do you feel like talking about it? Whatever, I'm here for you. Cheating is never justified, and I'm so angry at Dru for hurting you. I don't care if she's psychotic; you've said she's stable on her medication, so she can't use that excuse. Oh, I wish I could hug you and take you out for dinner or coffee right now. Stupid ocean.  
  
On a brighter note, I'm passing all my classes with flying colors! I was a little worried about what college would be like, but it seems to be similar to high school with the studying and all. I thought chemistry would kick my butt, but luckily, Willow's in there with me, and she and I've been studying together.  
  
Thankfully, Willow and I will be roommates next semester. Missy, you recall my current roommate, has still been wearing all my clothes and going to bed at nine at night! She fusses at me if I complain. It's college people: you're not living at home with a sister you can steal clothes from, and *most* people stay up a little past nine. Come on, make the most of your freedom! Grrrr. She's so annoying. But, Willow and me! Next semester! Happiness abounds! *smilies* We going to rent a little apartment near campus! And we'll be able to get a pet! Yippee!  
  
Ohhhh, and I'm only telling you this because Mom would *kill* me, but I got drunk for the first time. Talk about a nightmare! I was a frat party with date of the moment, and he kept bringing me these fruity drinks. I had no idea how much alcohol was in them until the dizziness hit me! My date tried to get me to go home with him scarily enough. He would have succeeded because I was in no state to protest, but luckily, my new friend from my lit class, Aimee, was there to drive me home and tell my date to get the hell away from me. I don't believe I've ever puked so much in my life. Remind me to never touch alcohol again!  
  
Hey, I just had an idea!!! You need to come visit before Christmas! It'll get you away from England and the whole Dru situation, and you can see what the States are like at Christmas time! And I won't have any studies, so I'll have plenty of time to spend with you! Don't say no cause I won't take no for an answer!  
  
I'm so worried about you. Please take care of yourself. And don't beat yourself up. You didn't do anything wrong. Cheating was *her* choice. I refuse to say you'll meet someone else someday because that sounds so trite. But I'm sending tender caring your way!  
  
Well, I'm off to study for finals! Write soon and let me know how you are!  
  
Love, Buffy  
  
* * *  
  
1 December 1999  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
Hi! Just a brief note to let you know that I'll be flying in on December 13. I've enclosed a copy of my flight schedule! I can't wait to finally meet you in person!  
  
Take care, Spike  
  
TBC. . . What happens during the visit? What will Spike and Buffy think of one another? Find out in the aftermath of letters!  
  
Thanks for the awesome reviews! You guys are the greatest! :o) Notably, this fic is intended to be a little lighter than my last series. . . Hope that's okay!  
  
Take care, Sandy Eternal Devotion: http://darkprophecies.net/eternaldevotion 


	4. Part 4

21 December 1999  
  
Dear pet,  
  
I can't begin to tell you what a wonderful time I had on my first trip to the States. I even enjoyed the little trip to the shopping mall when you made me try on more clothes and colors than I've ever tried on in my life; I thought we'd never get out of there with the mad rush of holiday shoppers! However, out of all our adventures, the best part was meeting you in person for the first time. You are truly a beautiful person inside and out. Thank you for your hospitality and for helping me distract myself from the situation at home. I hope you don't mind that I picked you up a little token as a symbol of our relationship while you were buying a soda at the mall. Hopefully, you'll think of me whenever you wear it. Perhaps one day soon we can be more than just friends? Shall I visit again soon, love, or maybe you could come to England?  
  
Write soon! Happy Christmas!  
  
Yours, Spike  
  
* * *  
  
December 26, 1999  
  
Spike,  
  
I'm very glad you came to visit. I hope you had a great Christmas, too!  
  
This year, Dawn and I celebrated Christmas at our dad's house in Los Angeles. His 20-year-old girlfriend whom he's been dating two years was there, too. She's barely old enough to be my big sister, and she's completely clueless about Dawn and me. Dad was all right, making sure to include us in activities like the Christmas party they threw together. But, Kristi, she's the girlfriend, essentially ignored us the entire visit.  
  
Oh, and get this, she picked out our presents for us from Dad. She bought Dawn and me these expensive matching dresses and BOWS. I haven't worn a bow since elementary school! Dad was at least sympathetic and let us return the clothes on the sly. Let's just say that I got enough money from the gift return to keep me in mochas for the rest of this school year and next (and you know how I like my mochas)!  
  
I felt a bit sorry for Mom who spent Christmas at her parents' house. Dawn and I are planning on celebrating Christmas with Mom on New Years Day! It'll be sorta like two holidays for the price of one. I'm looking forward to it! We always cook up a big pot of black-eyed peas and sausage for good luck in the new year and eat cabbage (blech!). The green is supposed to guarantee money in the new year! I think I could do without that part of the meal, especially because it never seems to work anyway. On the other hand, if we didn't eat it, we could end up broke! Hmmm. Anyway, I'm looking forward to being with Mom.  
  
I'm sort of not sure how to respond to your last letter. I had an awesome time while you were here! I truly did. Meeting you for the first time was pretty cool. My friends were definitely in awe of your accent, especially Aimee. *laughs* But, I have to admit that what you said about being more than friends really scared me. There are several reasons for this, which aren't worth going into. The most important thing to me is that I don't lose your friendship. *sigh* I'm rather worried that when you read this, you won't want to write me anymore.  
  
Take care, Buffy  
  
P.S. I love the necklace! The cross is beautiful! I'm wearing it right now as I'm writing this! Thank you so much!  
  
* * *  
  
2 January 2000  
  
Dear Buffy,  
  
Oh, pet. My head is going to explode. I drank a bit too much last night, and now I have the hangover from hell. Be glad you don't drink much. Sometimes I wonder if it's worth the price in the morning.  
  
I attended a party thrown by some friends at a local pub. Being the only one there dateless, my friends kept buying me beer. I turned down half of them or gave them away, but then, guess who showed up? Yep, you're right. Bloody Dru showed up with the wanker she cheated on me with. She put on quite a show, rubbing all over him and sitting at my table. Needless to say, I left the table pretty quickly. After that, I didn't turn down any of the drinks. I think one of the guys drove me home after I passed out. I've never done that before. . . passed out. Quite frightening to have a chunk of your memory gone.  
  
Woke up at noon or so to the doorbell pounding in my skull. Guess who was on my doorstep? Yep. Dru again. This time, she pushed past me into the house and sat on my sofa in the living area. She was crying. She asked how I was doing, what I'd been up to. When I asked her why she was crying, she wouldn't tell me. Then, she launched herself at me, trying to snog me! I pushed her away and asked what the bloody hell she was doing! She said that Thomas (the wanker) broke up with her last night. I told her that I wasn't her table scraps and sent her out the door.  
  
I don't know, pet. Part of me wanted to take her in my arms again, to comfort her anyway possible. But, the other part of me wouldn't let me. I suppose it's for the best although I feel the urge to call her right now and check on her.  
  
About what you wrote in the last letter about us, I'm not sure I understand, pet. Why are you scared to be with me? I won't press you, but as your friend, I'd like to know the reasons. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I can handle the truth. It's just that I feel I can be totally honest with you. I want you to feel the same way. I don't want my little bungle to destroy our friendship. Being able to be absolutely frank with you is one of the best aspects of our relationship. I want you to be able to be just as honest with me. Communication is important in any relationship. And the way I see it, if we can communicate openly with one another, we get practice at being open with another person. . . with the person we end up with someday. Know what I mean?  
  
I am so glad that you liked your present. I was a bit worried if you would, but I showed it to your friend, Aimee, and she said you'd probably like it. Hope your Christmas/New Year was wonderful!  
  
Well, I better go. My head is going to split in half unless I lay down soon.  
  
Take care, Spike  
  
* * *  
  
January 18, 2000  
  
Hi, Spike!  
  
This is gonna be short cause I have to get ready for classes next week, but I wanted to write you back before I got snowed in with schoolwork. Book buying and tuition fees suck! Ugh!  
  
First, the easy part to address: Dru. I know you still care an awful lot about her. . . still love her. But wasn't it you who asked me something similar to this: would taking her in your arms do you more harm than good in the long run even if it comforted her and made you feel good in the short run? I'm sorry that she's still bugging you. I wish I could help. She's pretty self-righteous, barging in on you like that.  
  
Second, I do agree with you about communication, and your friendship means a lot to me. I don't ever want to lose it, so I'll do my best to be honest. Gosh, this is hard. Reasons I don't think we'd work as a couple. Well, please don't be angry, but your heavy drinking frightens me, and I don't date smokers. I know that may be petty *cringes*, but those are my standards. And I would never ask you to change those things. However, I don't think those are the main reasons.  
  
Really, the main thing is your continuing relationship with Dru. You still have obvious feelings for her. I mean, who wouldn't after they've been with someone and truly love him or her? I know that it took me a long time to recover from what Timothy did to me. . . to deal with my fears and doubts. In fact, I'm still dealing, which is another strike against you and me. You need time to heal, and I don't like knowing I'm going into something as a rebound girl. And I wouldn't want you to be the rebound guy in my life. It's not that I wouldn't trust you if we did get together because, Spike, I do trust you. A lot.  
  
The final thing, I guess, is the distance between us. . . not emotionally but physically. England is so far away! I mean, you haven't mentioned coming back to the States for school, and I guess that's a decision you shouldn't have to make right away.  
  
Well, that's all I can think of to help you understand my reasoning. I'll write about my Christmas/New Year this weekend! Right now, Willow wants me to go grocery shopping with her, so we can stock the cabinets with study food! Yum! Triscuits, ice cream, and hot chocolate are a must when cramming for tests!  
  
Hugs, Buffy  
  
  
  
TBC. . . next up, 2001. . . sorry for the delay in this series! I got stuck on where to go next, and I got caught up in other stories, but by demand, I'm continuing it! *hugs* Thanks for the reviews! And don't give up! B/S have a ways to go to form a lasting relationship.  
  
Take care, Sandy  
  
http://www.secretloft.com/ed/ 


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